I’ve been in relationships too long. That much is obvious.
I’m having an evening of craving human contact – physical contact. Preferably with someone who cares equally as much for me as I would for them.
Are you talking about love – again?
WHOAH! Hold your horses! No I’m not.
I’m only suggesting meaningful physical contact. I’m past falling in love (I think) but open to creating a lasting relationship with someone – with all the cuddling necessary.
Yes, I’m a guy. Yes, I just admitted to wanting cuddles. As I wrote in a text to a friend: “all that stuff that butch blokey guys don’t admit to unless they’re in a relationship (and I don’t fit into any of those categories).”
I’m fed up with staying where I am in a relationship with my own mind. It gets lonely in there. It’s also a very dark place with buried thoughts and feelings…that tend to come back to life when you look at them!
It was one of my best friend’s birthday on Sunday. She’s a truly awesome person. She’s stuck by me through all that’s happened to me in the last 6 years.
For the purposes of anonymity I’ll call her Eurydice. She and I were together for a month exactly and when she wanted to break up I was broken – a living wasteland, both within and with-out. A barely walking, brain-dead, disaster-fuck of an almost-person. Yet we kept in touch (we had to really), but we were friendzone-only friends. Yet I knew within me Eurydice was someone I could always trust. She’s the one person who stuck by me the whole time I was back in Italy to finish high school. Honestly, I don’t think I could have ever asked for a better friend.
She stuck by me when I had my doubts about myself and felt more outcast than ever through both religion and sexuality. She was the first person I’d ever talked to about both and not many others knew about my pagan spirituality before her. She’s always told me what she thinks about my decisions: ready to smile and tell me I’ve done well or chastise me if she thinks I’m being stupid. Eurydice’s the one who drove me the deepest I’ve ever been on the path to suicide and my best friend at the same time. I’ve shared the high, the low and the down-right ugly moments with her. If I could ever be in “love” with someone it would be her. My own Eurydice.
I find myself thinking back to all the time I’ve shared with her and I can’t help but shed a tear. Partly due to my currently very weepy left eye (which I should really get checked) but also because my memories are constantly tinged with sadness and melancolia – so many times to treasure, so many others I can’t forget.
Thus, my mind falls into oblivion…
“Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? ‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.”
– “Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1” by W. Shakespeare
Light and Love on your journeys through Life!