I don’t know what I’ve been thinking lately.
Here I am, quite content with being single and trying to get my life on track for me and not someone else. Except I’m not. I wouldn’t mind – in fact, I’d quite like – being in a relationship. Nothing necessarily serious or long-term but something enjoyable.
So what’s the problem? Am I happy or aren’t I?
The answer, I realise today, is a damn sight more complicated than this simple aut-aut. I quite possibly love the idea of being in a relationship but I’m not entirely sure I could manage it. The only reason I think this is the fact I’ve noticed I’ve spent the last few months saying I’m single and looking while allowing my subconscious to mess with my plans.
What my words say is “yes, I wouldn’t mind being in a new relationship.”
What my actions (albeit subconsciously done) say is “I don’t want you or you or you or… because of Reason X,” where Reason X is a rubbish excuse that means nothing. There is no reason I’m stopping myself from having a relationship, I just don’t seem to want one or be ready to accept having someone to have a relationship with.
Sure, I’ve had a few unhappy situations, but how has that changed anything in me? I can’t just sit around waiting for the right someone to turn up. If I do and that person comes along, I may well miss out by simply not being ready. Still, it’s not something I can rush into. You can’t just be ready one moment to the next.