I’ve thought about things and, since coming back from holiday yesterday, all I can think about is wanting to go back there, where my partner is.
I’m demotivated. I just don’t have the heart to tell my family. They’ve always had high hopes and I’m far from stupid. Nothing seems to satisfy me and warrant my full attention. All I want to do is write.
Free expression like the stuff you’ll find here in this blog, like the poems I write, like the music I play, like the videos I publish to YouTube.
Yet, all I’ve wanted to do in recent years is study hardcore science – like physics. It’s what I do now and I love it! It’s just that I’ve got this annoying thing in the back of my mind saying that I should let it all go and concentrate on writing.
I’m demotivated, I know. I can’t help myself. I keep telling people that I didn’t choose an easy subject because this way I’m certainly satisfied of the results at the end of it all, I love a challenge…all that rubbish. I’m not sure I take myself seriously anymore…and to top it all off I’m making myself sick with worry.
I worry because I don’t think I’ll pass, because I feel stupid all of a sudden, because the pressure is constantly mounting and I can’t seem to keep up, because I want something else to do to keep my mind busy but never have enough time to do anything more than study, because I’m afraid of what people will think of me (always the brainy one, now close to failure).
I just want to sleep. Stay up ‘til late and sleep until lunch. Invert my sleeping pattern every few weeks. Make my life interesting. Am I depressed? I don’t know. Am I attention-seeking? Maybe.
I feel alone, sad, hopeful…
On the off-chance that you’re interested, I bought this album a few weeks ago and have been listening to it ever since. It’s not my usual style (more heavy rock/metal) but I’ve enjoyed every song. Buy it if you want. This link also supports my blog.
7 Replies to “Speaking up and being honest”
It’s not unusual for people to get demotivated in this world, especially at this time, in our age. Don’t give up, and love yourself. Clear your mind, and as I always do, compare yourself to a book: what do you want the next chapter to tell?
I wish I knew…images from my past and how I saw my life then still come back to me and ring true… and yet I’ve seldom, if ever, given up. =)
Have you thought about Open Courseware? It can be useful toward the end of getting rid of those ‘don’t think I’d pass’ worries by wrapping your head around the material before jumping in.
I may be an unknown person, but this type of dilemma seems easy enough to solve. If you’re afraid of failing a class, then do some study before hand and incorporate it into your writing. It may be outside of your comfort zone but maybe try to write a couple sci-fi short stories incorporating physics.
I have to admit I did not think of that. My only problems would be time (considering the work-load) and the “short” in short stories. I was never able to write short stories as a kid. =)
Keep it together, man! 😉 We believe in you
Feel free to tell me to bugger off, but if you’re feeling crap about leaving your partner, just keep hope. Obviously the distance wasn’t anywhere near as much, but I went through a similar experience with your dear nephew (ha), we had a good three and half years with hundreds of miles between us… when you’re apart you’re miserable, you argue, wonder whether it’s really worth it all. but the small amount of time you get with her makes it so worth it. but now that’s passed, we’re both like, ‘what was all the fuss about?!’ and it’s definitely made us a hell of a lot stronger. it may be completely different to you, but just keep looking forward and you’ll be past all of this a lot sooner than you think.
And as for worrying what your family think, I’m sure they’d rather have a happy Will than a depressed one with a PhD. If you’re ‘the brainy one’, they’ll know you’ll succeed in whatever you choose to do in the end. Plus they’re your family, they’re always proud
Apologies for rambling, and for being so nosey. Thank you for providing such excellent procrastination material, should get back to my assignment now..