I’ve thought about things and, since coming back from holiday yesterday, all I can think about is wanting to go back there, where my partner is.
I’m demotivated. I just don’t have the heart to tell my family. They’ve always had high hopes and I’m far from stupid. Nothing seems to satisfy me and warrant my full attention. All I want to do is write.
Free expression like the stuff you’ll find here in this blog, like the poems I write, like the music I play, like the videos I publish to YouTube.
Yet, all I’ve wanted to do in recent years is study hardcore science – like physics. It’s what I do now and I love it! It’s just that I’ve got this annoying thing in the back of my mind saying that I should let it all go and concentrate on writing.
I’m demotivated, I know. I can’t help myself. I keep telling people that I didn’t choose an easy subject because this way I’m certainly satisfied of the results at the end of it all, I love a challenge…all that rubbish. I’m not sure I take myself seriously anymore…and to top it all off I’m making myself sick with worry.
I worry because I don’t think I’ll pass, because I feel stupid all of a sudden, because the pressure is constantly mounting and I can’t seem to keep up, because I want something else to do to keep my mind busy but never have enough time to do anything more than study, because I’m afraid of what people will think of me (always the brainy one, now close to failure).
I just want to sleep. Stay up ‘til late and sleep until lunch. Invert my sleeping pattern every few weeks. Make my life interesting. Am I depressed? I don’t know. Am I attention-seeking? Maybe.
I feel alone, sad, hopeful…
On the off-chance that you’re interested, I bought this album a few weeks ago and have been listening to it ever since. It’s not my usual style (more heavy rock/metal) but I’ve enjoyed every song. Buy it if you want. This link also supports my blog.