I must be messed up in my head on a very deep level. It’s either this or I’m now refusing to jump heart first into things.
My last relationship has scarred me for sure. I got back with my ex for a month before opening my eyes to the fact I can’t deal with a long distance relationship. Let me backtrack a second:
Jan 4th 2013: The day before coming back for Uni. Party that evening to say bye to my friends again. My ex and I are back on friendly terms and I was dropping her and another friend back to their homes that night. Evening plays out great. I drop my ex off first. As i drop my other friend back home, she texts me asking if I want to go back and chat a bit. I say yes. 2 hours later we finish making out on the back seat of my car.
“GREAT! Well done!”
No. This wrecked me. It wrecked the friendship we had going. Within 2 weeks we were back to arguing. A couple of weeks ago I realised that what I need is time and energy to study, to get my degree – not be in a difficult long distance relationship.
Only now it’s got to the stage where I keep thinking the same thing about every relationship I could get into, regardless of how near the person lives. I’m not myself right now. Granted, I’ve never been the most outgoing person ever, but never this bad. I never second guessed myself about asking someone out or making out with them randomly (if the situation for both people involved allowed this) in the past. I guess I’m still picking up the pieces of me, of the person I am, the person I want to be.
I can’t make myself out to be someone I’m not just to be in a relationship. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to be me. How much longer will this take?