The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

I hope both you and the Smashing Pumpkins will forgive me for using the title of one of their songs as this post title but I found both it and the song rather fitting for the darkness and uncertainty beguiling me today.

As you probably know I’ve had many problems in my long distance relationship. I’m also running a few days behind on thoughts and writing on here because I’m still trying to make sense in my head of all that’s happened recently.

Life’s a bitch sometimes and we all have to make the most of it, don’t we?

So anyway, I’m back in Sicily for a few months’ worth of holiday. I got here just over a week ago.

My partner and I had already decided to take the last week, before I came back here, a bit more steadily and actually talk less, since we’d been arguing more than we’d been chatting every night.

I woke up around 9am on Tuesday to to pack my bags and get to the airport by overnight coach for my flight at 6am from London Stansted, so I’d already spent 36 hours awake by the time I saw her.

We had to see each other. It wasn’t getting any better between us and we knew the distance had truly taken it’s toll on our relationship.

We broke up.

It was a mutual decision. The distance wasn’t getting any smaller and neither of us is prepared to move to be with the other at this stage in our lives. We’re in our early 20s – we do have the rest of our lives ahead of us still.

We decided to stay in touch.

We’ve been through a lot together and have both grown a lot thanks to the love we shared. We weren’t prepared to throw it all away. As friends we’ve been out a few times already, both with and without other people.

So here’s the tricky part, where it’s all gone horribly twisted as Life has thrown me a curveball.

She thinks we made a mistake.

– “Wait, what?”

Exactly. We broke up, not because of incompatibility but because of the physical distance between us. It’s like she’s forgotten our recent troubles.

Don’t get me wrong, I would still be with/get back with her if it wasn’t for the distance. I’m worried though. Worried that if I cave in and allow ourselves to be together again it will be like giving a death-sentence to a friendship that’s blooming out of the cinders of a spent relationship.

I feel it’s not the right time. How do I say it? How do I take the little seed of hope that our relationship may  be rekindled this soon from her without destroying her feelings, but just allow her to adjust to a friendship we can live with at a distance? She does mean a lot to me, and it’s because of this that I don’t want to ruin everything, but this doesn’t feel right.

Help. I’m drowning within my own thoughts and conflicting emotions.

PW )O(

For those interested in supporting the blog, or just want to buy the song I mentioned right at the start, here’s the link:

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