I’ve been all over the shop recently. I’m honestly beginning to think I’m slightly crazy (tell me something I don’t already know).
I’ve got exams coming up this next week and I honestly don’t know if I can remember any of what I’ve studied. I guess This is what happens when you have 4 exams in 3 days. I’ve gone through a hell of a time and the stress has just built up.
I was so stressed this time last month, fresh back from the Easter holiday that I booked tickets to go back home to Sicily. Yes, that is the place I consider home. There’s no better place for me to be. I spent a week there and came back the middle of last week. There was a strategic reason for this, not just to be more relaxed just before exams but also to attend a Victorian and Steampunk picnic. I honestly couldn’t have done a better deal. Met and interacted with so many great people!
After talking with a VERY close friend about her troubles, I also thought it would be a good time and a good idea to clear the bad air with my ex. I admit, it didn’t happen under the best pretences seeing as I asked her to return some leather bracelets and drawings of mine, but then again she’s become nothing but hostile since we broke up so I didn’t honestly expect better. I wanted to clear up what went wrong and why she’d been hostile but all that happened was that it gave her an excuse to return a few gifts I gave her.
This made me realise two things: First, that I care more about our relationship than she does. Second, that she hates me because she can’t get over our relationship whereas I have. I know this must sound like a contradiction, but it’s not to me. I still treasure every good moment, but I also know that it was not right and shouldn’t have lasted. I was happy before and I’m happy now. I thought meeting her would hurt me but to tell you the truth I realised I care for her as a friend whether she wants a friend or not – maybe this is another thing that makes her hurt. The fact that I’m over her and I’ve moved on without another girl in my life except for the ones I call friends but she’s gone nowhere despite we started from the same point.
There are so many things I would like to tell her, like the fact that I was never enthralled by another female while I was with her but she (despite being jealous of me and being worried I would cheat) took a step back and pushed me away because she was enthralled by a male friend who was being caring and giving her the sort of attention she expected from me despite being 2000km away. Yet, at the same time, I don’t care. This guy, who I know, did me (possibly both of us a favour – it’s clear now. He made me realise that after 3 years I was better without her – not because we hadn’t done well together, but because we weren’t stable together and that’s not good for any couple.
I’m now back to being a well-balanced guy, still finding my way in life. I’m stressed to hell as any standard student. I’m happy with my life. I couldn’t ask for any more. 🙂
Light and Love,